How do you survive Thanksgiving Dinner when nothing on the menu appeals to you?
Without offending the kindly host who was nice enough to invite you?
It’s hard to put on a brave face when the Turkey you’re about to eat looks like it died twice…from thirst. When the cranberry sauce/log contains mo’ high fructose corn syrup than a Big Gulp. When the green bean casserole coming your way, hasn’t changed since Grandma pulled the recipe from Reader’s Digest in 1950.
Food critics suffer socially. It comes with the territory. Most of the other guests joining you have never heard the words free-range and pastured. They don’t care about nutrient content and raw, health-promoting food. They’d be shocked if you told them what you paid for produce at the supermarket and they’d laugh at you!
So to survive Thanksgiving without needlessly offending the host or boring her to death with your food thoughts, use any and all of these tactics (they work like a charm!).
Change the subject – when someone asks you why you’re not eating, bring up all the deals Wal-Mart is running later that night. Show off the body armor and head-gear you brought to do battle with all of the other perfectly reasonable pre-Christmas shoppers.
Get drunk - nobody expects a drunk to eat. If you’re half in the bag by the time dinner is served, the hosts will be glad that you ate something…anything actually. The nut mix certainly qualifies.
Fax your food sensitivities list to them the night before - so they don’t have time to improvise and dig up something for you. Be warned though, gluten allergies are not enough in 2013. Your host might have gluten-free stuffing for you to nosh on (made with potato flour!) So to be safe, make sure your allergies to gluten, wheat, grains, soy, corn, dairy, poultry, citrus, salt, pepper, sugar and the Dallas Cowboys are on that list.
Bring something good - that is, something of quality. If it’s sorta, kinda weird (like a raw kale salad with hemp seeds) then it’ll probably be ignored. So, you can stuff yourself with that and pat yourself on the back that you did your part to raise the food IQ at that party.
Get into a fight - it’s been said that nothing spoils a meal faster than an argument, which is true. So, to avoid eating the typical American Thanksgiving gruel, bring up Barak Obama’s health plan. Or Hillary Clinton. Or Bill O’Reilly. Or Israel. Or George Zimmerman. Kanye Kardashian. Whatever it takes to make things awkward and uncomfortable. You only need enough so that all eyes are off of you and nobody says anything about you not eating.
Volunteer to babysit at the kids table – if you’re managing the little ones and preventing accidents, nobody will notice that you didn’t eat.
Explain that your anorexia has returned – you’d love to eat if you could but your neurosis prevents that. When they ask how you could be anorexic and overweight at the same time, just nod your head knowingly and whisper, “it’s a very crafty disease.”
Make a corny joke - about saving enough room for dessert. If you mention the pumpkin pie that’s coming at least two or three times while rubbing your tummy and licking your lips, your host will back off and stop insisting you eat.
There’s no reason to let a meal get in the way of an otherwise good time. So accept that Thanksgiving invitation and don’t let your inner food snob stress. The less you eat, the more everyone else gets. And that’s what most of them want anyway!